The Doctors Is In
Avoiding Social Interaction: I Don’t Even Want to See You In My Periphery

What are those things you see all over the place?
No, those things—sort of animate, ambulatory life-forms of some kind, in your workplace, in the streets, sometimes in your home! People! And they seem to want something, or they look as if they might do. You can try throwing peanuts at them if they get too close.
They usually stop coming toward you and lunge for the peanuts, twirling around and pecking at the ground. But sometimes they want to interact, and then it’s: crikey, mate! Look at the crazee social skills of that thing!
Time for an extravention.
(“Extravention” is the opposite of “Intervention”; in an extravention you judiciously extravene yourself from a troublesome situation, hopefully making the situation “go away”, and thereby remedying the problem.)
Of course, extravening isn’t just a matter of turning your back and ignoring someone. That would be neither fair nor productive. Extravening means removing oneself from the situation by countering or redefining the situation. Instead of talking about something serious, one begins to talk about something equally serious-seeming but situatutionally irrelevant. 
For example, suppose A. wants to talk about an upcoming Event that you don’t plan to attend:
A.: So, I almost forgot, the Event is in two weeks.
B.: My court case is in two weeks.
A.: What?!
B.: Ooops. I’m not supposed to talk about it.
A.: ?
B.:
A.:
B.:
There are, of course, simpler ways of doing this.

Dr. C.D

Fuck Shit Christ Love— Fun with Schizophrenia! BITCH.

Mental happy fun time bad things shit stacked to the ceiling to reach Satan in heaven! Climbing the poop ladder of smiles. JESUS = BASTARD FUCK ANAL BEAD

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Schizophrenia is a very serious mental illness. The people who suffer from schizophrenia don’t know how lucky they are! If you are in your early twenties there is still a chance you might develop schizophrenia— and you better hope you do! For if not, you have only year upon year of endless, mind-numbing reality to look forward to until you die, hopefully sooner than later.

For those with schizophrenia, however, everyday is a new and exciting adventure! You never know who might stop by and what they might tell you to do. Schizophrenics often spend their days fulfilling the orders of a hallucinated being. One might transcribe the bible into shapes and numbers as ordered to by a voice from the television! What fun!! While the rest of us mindlessly carryout the most trivial of tasks in our daily lives a schizophrenic might be working diligently on a plan to turn all the oceans into cookies!  A task assigned by Sir Isaac Newton, no less!

So the next time you walk by a “crazy” homeless person on the street or a man on the train  feverishly scribbling “rubbish” in a notebook take a moment to reflect on who is really more sane between the two of you. For the laptop you carry is filled with just as much pointless drivel, written with the same false sense of importance, as any schizophrenic’s writings. Instead, be thankful for the schizophrenic people of the world- they are the only one’s trying to save us from the impending attack of 9-legged beasts that God is sending to kill us all!!! aSsHOLe bitch &*(&#^^^^%%$###`000100098754786289

Dial 273645 to protect us from the government.

J.A., PhD

How To Play The Sympathy Card. Again and Again and Again.

The most effective use of “playing the sympathy card” is to make your life sound more emotional, serious and challenging, the result making family and peers pay attention to you and feel concerned about you.  This is especially advantageous when you are trying to avoid the consequences of growing up and becoming a strong adult.

The most expedient and potent play of the sympathy card is using tragedy to your advantage, getting in on being a victim of a disaster.  A relative dying of a long term illness, losing ones job, or divorce are all “jack-pot” scenarios. If played properly these events have a 5 year term of garnering deep sympathetic reactions from your community. While this is very satisfying, one cannot rely on these tragedies to carry you aboard the sympathy train forever, occasionally, life is not tragically severe and you will need to improvise.

In order to successfully play the sympathy card you must employ expert subtlety. Never demand sympathy explicitly! YOU WILL NOT GET NONE!

1)      Begin with tone: Let others know you need sympathy by the sad and wistful tone of your voice. Be slow to respond to questions, hesitate, seemed lost, as though being abducted by a hurricane of despair.

2)      VERY IMPORTANT! When asked if something is wrong, you must say “No”, say that nothing is wrong but in no way affirm your words, make sure you’re “no” is completely unconvincing, say it softly, from a place of misery.

3)      When probed again by concerned friends or family, be hesitant to open up, this will encourage them to take a greater interest and feel more deeply concerned.

4)      Finally when you do open up make sure to use the correct dramatic language.  Be dismissive of your problem in order to get sympathetic reinforcement: “Oh, I know its awful that John cheated on me, but it was probably my fault I mean how could anybody be attracted to me?” “Oh, its so upsetting that I lost that promotion but I probably just  don’t deserve anything good”

5)      Lastly look for any opportunity to attach yourself to someone elses suffering so that none should forget you have  been the person who has suffered more than anybody else ever has. “Oh your cat died?! Im so sorry, I remember when my cat died the grief for me was unlimited, after having to mourn being abandoned by my one true companion,  I will now never have a stable relationship because of losing Gingersnap.

Dr. C.D.

Passive Aggression, and Other Ways of Punishing Your Significant Other!


There are varying ways of obtaining the power position in your interpersonal relationships. No matter how you go about it, however, the result is the same; the other person becomes your emotional bitch slave! And really, what in this life is more important than making others fall to their knees, cowering at your feet? 


Nothing!!!! :) :) :)


The ability to reward and punish your partner gives you the ultimate upper-hand. And we all know, when you have the upper-hand in a relationship you are safe and protected from being hurt. The other person will want nothing more than to please you, make YOU happy! A hopeless task you must never let them accomplish.


Always say the exact opposite of what you really mean. This keeps the slave (your partner) always guessing. Say yes when you mean no, say “I love you” when you mean “Get fucked.” Whisper sweet nothings when you want to howl obscenities. These grandeur proclamations of love and endearment will give the slave a sense of emotional security so that when you suddenly withhold all your emotions from them and refuse to communicate  your slave/partner will be so confused, hurt and humiliated that you can pretty much sit back as they clamor desperately to win back your love.


But remember, you must always give the slave a sliver of hope, as if you could ever possibly be content in a relationship with them! Ha!

J.A., PhD

CONVEYING TO EVERYONE THAT YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEY ARE

Wear clothing that conveys how important you are, this society is blatantly superficial, you wont get ahead with a modest and simple attire. Your clothes must convey to people that you have lots and lots of expensive money. Money you got for being so important. Buy expensive clothes even if you do not have the money for them. charge them to fraudulent credit cards, steal from your coworkers and friends, do not send your child for a post-secondary eduction, that will only cost money and make them act smartypants all the time.

Ignore the ideas of others, this will instantly convey what little regard you have for them. Slyly refusing to acknowledge others will reflect you think their contributions are worthless, witless, and mostly insignificant. Why would anyone important listen to the petty brain bubbles of the NOT important?

Demand attention, wherever you are. Important people are the star of the show at all times. Never never allow attention to be diverted from you to another. Elevate you vocal volume, people will be physically forced to listen to you. If somebody threatens to take the attention away from you, be aggressive, make loud dramatic and very personal declarations about yourself.

Use props! fill your date-planner and calender with fraudulent dates, appointments, and meetings. Take every opportunity to make them visible. Arrange a network of people you can text with ceaselessly- make sure to interrupt every personal interaction with texting. At the bedside, your texting device should be more accessible than condoms.

Dr. C.D.

Dear Doctors,

How can I play off my life-crushing social anxiety to seem more like a minor learning disability?

Dear Drew,

Portraying yourself as a retard or some kind of mongoloid to excuse your social ineptitude is ignorant and, quite frankly, offensive. Consider instead just pretending you’re deaf! That way, when someone speaks to you, you can respond first with “What? I’m sorry I’m partially deaf.” As they repeat their statement you’ll have a few moments to conjure up a thoughtful reply. Also, it’s always amusing to talk in a funny voice!



J.A., PhD

I AM TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW TO GET BY IN THE WORKPLACE. I AM CONSTANTLY UPSET BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE SMARTER THAN ME BY MOST SOCIAL STANDARDS. HOW CAN I MAKE OTHERS FEEL INADEQUATE?

FROM,
STUPID IN SEACUCUS
Anonymous

Dear Stupid,

You must really be stupid. If you don’t already know how to make others feel inadequate I can’t help you. You sound like a real knucklehead. I doubt you would even be able to decipher the complex expressions of my medical training in mind brain studies.  I guess maybe I could take the time out of my day to walk you through the simple task that is making others feel unequal. I guess. Maybe next week.

J.A., PhD

I prefer to speak to people almost exclusively through the internet these days...is that alright?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Good communication is a key stone to any interpersonal relationship. Healthy relationships require lots of effort, thought and hard work. And for what? To establish yourself as a person who can improvise interactions with others that are “normal” or acceptable”? Sounds like more pain that it’s worth if you ask me! To communicate solely through the internet is the perfect solution for those of us who need to meet the expectations for perceived healthy social interaction, but don’t ever want anyone to truly get to know us at all.

Happy Coping!!

J.A., PhD

SELF IMPORTANCE: PART ONE

It’s always a good idea to ask oneself: what do I dislike in others? What most offends me in another’s allure or behavior? Wherein do others most repell me, etc.
If you are half-asleep ensconced in a drunken haze when you consider this question, your answer might be something like: “his Self-importance”, “her arrogance”, or something like that.

Bad Answer!!

Obviously—the answer should be: “Self-abnegation”, “excessive modesty”, “humility”. These are the things most likely to inspire loathing. Why? Because  “Humility” says, “No, no, that’s all right—please trample all over me, I’m always in the way. And I like being trampled on, it’s my middle name. Humility ‘Trample’ Modesty—that’s me.” The lesson is that you are always telling others how to treat you. This is actually under your control. If you are being treated poorly, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Conversely, the way to win some maneuvering-space for yourself is to seem important. To convince others that you are  a considerable presence of great importance. You need to claim your space, even at the expense of another’s, especially at the expense of another’s. There is no middle ground here—they are either in your way, or you are in theirs.

PART TWO: will discuss ways of achieving self-importance or rather ways of simply conveying to others just how important you are.

Dr.C.D

Me, Me, Me: How to Make Narcissism Work for Me… I mean You


So you can’t maintain long-term relationships, who cares?! You’re beautiful! You’re charming and smart and everyone loves me! I mean you!! So what, you constantly seek the admiration of others? They should admire you!  You are special and unique and the world revolves around me! I mean you!!

If you want to live a life filled with worry and gloom and taking responsibility for your own actions then narcissism may not be for you. Narcissists never have to feel shame, remorse or guilt ever! And on top of that they have no consciousness of emptiness within. The most important thing is that my needs are met. I mean yours.

Being a narcissist means counting yourself among the greats: Napoleon, Saddam Hussein, Picasso and ME!! So go ahead, preoccupy yourself with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, and ideal love. I deserve it!! I mean you.

J.A., PhD